"What-I-thought-Love" and Military

Dear Archie,

How can I even begin writing about this one? How about this: How are things there in the military? I wish our love story is being written like those of Pearl Harbor but we are past the first decade of the first Millennium now. I want to say that it's getting pretty clear to me now after everything that's been said and done. I know I am a little too late. I know they give the break up thing three-month recovery phase but it just doesn't work that way for me.

I want to make some realistic excuse that I am young and stupid, but I wasn't. I was in a desperate need of love that you've given me that every little bullshit care that you send virtually becomes my reality. I could literally feel you breathing down my neck. I could literally feel sleeping in your arms. I could feel your hand holding mine. Somehow in this twisted universe, I feel like I am being remotely controlled, and I liked it.

I want to see things very clearly. The way I give objective reasons to my friends. I want to be able to understand how you were able to magically appear in my life's doorstep unannounced then shake me to the core. You made me do things I thought I was not capable of. But I did, and boy your venom is strong.You were not in my system. You ARE my system. Certain hours of the day were dedicated to you. I was sort of moving military-like taking note of the time because I gotta be home for you. I have to be in my best state for you.

I remember sitting in dinner gatherings and losing the moment because I was thinking of you. I remember being bothered for the rest of the night because you have been ringing me twenty seven times in a span of fifteen minutes and it's getting really irritating. I love you, but I also love my friends, I don't understand why do you think I make such bad choices such as choosing friends. You don' even know them? They were already in my life long before I even met you. Long before you even figured out that I existed and have found me. You were telling me that you trust me, you just don't trust who I am with, but honey, guess what? Look who are the ones who's with me now? Look where you are now? See? I do not make bad choices.

I remember the sacrifices that I made that I have to keep my mouth shut and just live in my own dreamland to keep this feeling. Just to keep you. There are too much at stake like our faith, friends and families that I am just holding on to that promise that someday everything will fall right into place.You were always telling me to keep the faith, until I finally felt that I am slowly losing mine. I can feel that I am losing my mind. You were this need, this inevitable need that I feel you sustain me when the rest of my world is going wrong. I feel like you might be a blessing because I did not search for you, you magically found me and there I was willing, very willing, in fact, eager might be just the proper word to describe that phase. Perhaps you caught me at the time where I desperately needed reason to wake up to. I've been stuck to that dead end job as an editorial assistant always catering to the needs of others before mine. And there you were, you were showering me with this incomparable amount of attention and support. You were always pushing me to go after my dreams. You always like to read what I wrote. You were the best part of my day. You have no idea how excited I am to wake up knowing that your voice will be the first thing that I will hear in the morning. Often times I have staggered sleep time because my phone have to be in full volume mode because I couldn't bear missing your phone call. Three hours of straight sleep is sufficient enough, because I have you and you're my oxygen.

But I cannot own you because you are under the proprietary of someone else in command. I have signed the agreed on Terms and Conditions just how people blindly check that agreement box on the internet. The General is building your future. You were taking a risk of what it would be like to be mine. I somehow succumbed to my bad judgment and blindly obeyed your request for confidentiality. I remember staring at the phone to ring, I remember waiting for mail. I remember staring at the sky praying that maybe you'll get the same feeling that I  have out of nowhere. You lead me to believe that you are already in the process of liberation and that I will just have to wait.The contract's been in the works for quite sometime now and that I just have to really be patient because you were telling me that all this waiting is so going to be worth it. The General's been building your dreams and that you have to serve some years to repay the investment in you. But you have decided that you want to emancipate... with me.

And honey I waited. There were too many plane tickets wasted because I fucking don't know where the hell you are. I waited while holding back the tears. I waited while experiencing the attack of paranoia. I wonder how many ship docks and airports you have landed leaving someone with a promise? Have you been always reporting to the General? Have you been really working on the papers of your liberation? Have you really thought about what you're giving up since you've have committed and served some damn good years serving in the military?

I did things while waiting for you. I was already preparing to move heaven and earth just for us to be together. I was already saving up for our future. I already have informed you that I may not provide the future that you might have if you will finish your term, but you told me that you've never been this happy and it's all because of me. And I've never been this happy before Archie. If only everything is up to me, I would have ran away with you. I am willing to run away with you. I do not care if we start everything from scratch. I don't care about the voices around me telling me that this whole idea is stupid. I already have a life and have pretty much established my self but I am willing to throw everything away for you. But you let me live in this crazy dream, clueless that all this time, I was the only one who's planning our life. I did not even know if I was even included in yours.

I am trying to distract my paranoia with books and hopefully I will get enough inspiration to write about you, since I write to you almost every single day but I don't know if there's internet connection in Uzbekistan that I have not been getting a timely response from you. Oh by the way, where the hell is Uzbekistan? Oh wait, I don't give a shit anymore.

And then, just as the people around me have expected, we crumbled like there had been a terrorist attack. I had to flee away from you immediately because I needed to survive and walk away with the small dignity that I have left. But the real reason is I had to get the hell out the moment I have accidentally realized after putting the pieces together, that you can't stand by me. I was so blinded by my fantasy that it took me a while to figure out the signs and the lines that you've been giving me as an excuse are just synonymous to the fact that you can't fight for me.

I really don't wanna see you anymore, Archie. I don't want a breathing reminder of my stupidity. Maybe I will not move on, I am learning how to live without you. In fact, writing this piece is actually ridiculous. The amount of time that you have spent with me does not do justice of the scar and trauma that you caused my heart.  I packed my bags and left the place where you left me and pursued my dreams of being a writer. Do you remember how we used to talk about pursuing our dreams? You would have secured your place in the military while I work as a writer at some magazine. Well, guess what Archie? I' ve written a book.

Unfortunately I was just chapter in your book, while you're the whole thing that was written about in mine. I have finally come to a point that I will just have to let you burn, honey. It's nearing a year now and I think it's about time that you set me free too.

I haven't received any answer from the universe when I asked why. That is still my top question. But I am keeping an open mind that someday, I will finally understand and when I finally do, you don't matter anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure that by that time, I no longer remember you.


Caitlin

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