Steps to Lose Yourself and Find Dignity in the End

Check the Pre-requisite before performing the tasks:

• Dead End Job
• Toxic Colleagues
• Far away friends
• Away from home
• Single Status
• No Hobbies or Passion
• Wishful thinking

Step One.

Be bored. Be very bored. Not just with your dead end job but with life. Make sure you really have nothing else to do. You get up in the morning, have breakfast alone, grab a coffee in the subway and arrive just in time for work. Turn on your computer and see more than one hundred emails waiting in your inbox. Answer the phone when your boss calls. Attend the meeting. Act as if you care. Participate in the grand plan of helping your boss get out of trouble. Assume that it's team work. Accept the lunch invitation of a colleague. Sit and try to enjoy the endless gossiping. Ask questions so they they won't notice that you don't really give a shit. Watch them as they seem to be so into it. Listen as they trash talk the boss then find them with the boss later as they both enjoy their cigarette break together. Accept an after work drinks invitation. Be aware as your boss try to dig in dirty shit out of you. Stay sober. Watch boss dish their own dirty details with hope of you paying the same thing. Tomorrow will be another day of the routine of dragging yourself from the bed. You just can't wait for payday.

Step Two.

Wear your sash for best supporting actress. Make sure to watch your friends as they take risks. They get married, get pregnant, go abroad or get promoted somewhere else. Make yourself available all the time for your friends. Listen to them whine about their husbands, their boyfriends, support them when they turn to play for the other team. Host dinner, invite everyone and play the role of the generous hostess. Hold a friend's hand when you both find out that their other half is cheating. Go with them when they decide to see a shrink. Let them cry in the privacy of your room. After all, you are the best friend. In the movie you are the lead's sidekick. You tell them if you know the truth. Respect if they act all strong and powerful. Join them in the salon. Show up at the bar when they invite you for a drink. Pick up the call at 2 in the morning when they break down. Watch them patch things up, encourage forgiveness, believe in the power of love. Then watch them forget about you when things are going great. You'll be needed again til their next heartbreak. After all, the scriptwriter has written that you are supposed to be that kind of a friend.

Step Three.

Enjoy your alone time. Enjoy managing your finances while living alone. It would be so great to just lie around and play couch potato but it's laundry day. Feel nostalgic but be proud you're living on your own. Miss being taken care of, not just family but by someone. Feel tired being the superwoman. All the pretension in the workplace gets the best of you. Find out that you are too tired to take up a new hobby. You're too tired to actually get up from your ass and enroll in Photography. Or Design Class. Or Make Up school. Prefer to just sleep in because you are too tired to play sports. You no longer remember what you are passionate about. You've grown to be lazy and you blame it on your heavy workload and lack of reason to get up in the morning. Believe that you need to rest. Decide to be thankful that you are only taking care of yourself but realize that you want to take care of someone and want to be taken care of too. Then snap out of it. Hopefully.

Step Four.

Continue being available. In fact, be very available. Laugh at jokes. Entertain suitors. Go on dates, it’s a nice opportunity to play dress up; after all you just never know whom you might just meet. But the problem is, you know yourself too well that you don't go out to validate yourself. You only want to entertain the one you are really interested in. You're too transparent to even play polite. You wish that somehow you can be like the others, who are great at pretending or using other people for validation. After all, it really feels good to be adored, to be admired and you can just feel your head getting bigger when they compliment you about how witty you are and how they want to see you again. But instead you just play friends. Because honestly, you don't really know how to take compliments. You don't know if they are just pulling your leg, or if they just need someone to flirt with. You don't buy it because you've played the same bullshit game, and as they say, we are all afraid of our own ghosts.

Step Five.

Feel tired. Complain. Call in sick. Dial everyone's number and plan a reunion. Call a friend who have recently come out as gay, call a friend who was recently divorced, call a friend in midlife crisis, call a friend who just came back from abroad, call a friend who just gave birth, and call a friend who have recently gotten back together with their other half. Call everyone; after all, friends keep us sane. But unfortunately no one is available. The gay friend is enjoying the freedom and liberation of coming out. The recently divorced is battling child custody. The one in midlife crisis is looking for another job opportunity. The one from abroad wants to spend time with family, the friend who just gave birth is experiencing post-partum depression, and the friend who recently have gotten back together with the other half is diligently taking care of their relationship. They send their apologies. Feel hurt and disappointed. Talk one of them, and hide what you feel when they tell you that you just got too many free time on your hands. The finally acknowledge that you might just need to get your own life by having someone to be with.

Step Six.

Shop. Because nothing cures your sadness than retail therapy. Feel very happy when you score a really fantastic pair of shoes on sale. Enjoy as you happily swipe your card on the counter, feel the excitement as the saleslady hand over your fifth shopping bag. Go to a fancy restaurant. Order for one. Enjoy a sip of your favorite wine as you consciously watch people come in pairs or by family. Look around and see that you are seated in the middle of the room, alone.

Step Seven.

Allow yourself to be found. Relate to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream song. Realize someone familiar and have known before. Be friendly, in fact, be extra friendly. Be interesting; be even more amazing. Do all the talking; show how passionate you are about life. Realize that this someone already feels something for you. Ignore current issues, let things and feelings get out of hand. Assume that this might be it and might be worth the risk. Feel yourself falling in love while losing your head at the same time after all, it has been a while. Allow yourself to feel like a princess, feel pampered, protected and loved. Do the same thing. Quit thinking too much and think that this might be the one that you need. Move heaven and earth for the sake of love. Agree on a temporary set up for there is an inevitable past. Believe in your special someone’s plan for your future together. Love doesn’t mind the difference in time zones or the cultural difference.  Do not mind to keep your relationship a secret. Fantasize your secret wedding. You’ll just surprise everyone one day. Believe that it’s about time that you should be happy and live your own life. Overlook what you have learned to consider small things. Do not mind doing all the work. Believe that it will not always be this way. Besides, you are happy and that’s all that matters.

Step Eight. 

Learn to realize but not immediately. Because your head wasn't hit hard enough. Try not to mind that keeping everything a secret is taking a toll on you. Slowly win your loved one’s family over. Always send your best regards though you haven’t met them yet. Get their numbers and remember their birthdays. Cross the bridge over and join their interest, even if it bores you. Prove that you are the best they’ve ever had. Be determined to be the apple of the eye of your future in-laws. Leave a mark. There may be a past but you will outshine it all with your promised future. Be very patient and forgiving. You cannot afford to quit for you know you are afraid to lose. So overlook things that you have learned to consider ‘small things’, such as never being properly introduced. Listen and believe when asked to be patient, when asked to keep the faith. Believe that you are really loved and that you are worth fighting for, maybe not now, but in the future. Ignore the first sign of you just being lead on; think that you are just being tested to be patient. After all, they say that love is patient and kind. Then, eventually, start to think. Clearly.

Step Nine.

Find out the truth, face the reality then decide. Find out that you cannot lose something you never really had, face the reality that you will never be together and decide just for how long are you willing to put up with it. You're tired of always complaining to no one but yourself. Realize that maybe it is time to shut the hell up and do something about it. Accept the fact that there really is no promising future for you. Realize that after all this time you were just kept on the sides like a spare tire.  Acknowledge the pain, though acceptance will not come in yet. Self-Apologize for being the worst manager of yourself then do something brave. Quit your job, your toxic friends and flee just how a thief would leave in the middle of the night. Remember how envious you are of others who can afford to take risks? This is the time to do yours. Quit being on the sidelines and playing the role of someone’s sidekick and personal cheerleader. Quit asking what might, could and should have been. Quit wondering and get up from the ground because you already hit the rock bottom and there’s no other choice than to move up. You will just realize one day that there is courage in quitting and whether you like it or not, you will heal.

Step Ten.

Breathe.  Maybe you need to breathe a different kind of fresh air. You have no idea what are you up to next, but somehow you feel very brave. Like you do not know where all this strength is coming from. You’re initially clueless about your faith but you are in desperate need of something to believe in. You are in pain; in fact it has become too painful that you’re no longer afraid to do things that scared you before. Feel invincible and from that moment on, start to realize that you have no other ally but yourself. That you are responsible for your own pain, that you did not lose anybody but yourself because you are supposed to be living not existing. You stop robbing yourself your own happiness. Decide that if pain is inevitable then hurt from the one that is worth it, not this. Never mind that you gave in to the first act of malicious kindness because you wanted an immediate fix for everyone seemed to be moving on but you. Your past unhappiness will no longer come back unless you continue living it. Realize that if not for this painful experience, you would still be complaining in that dead end job, asshole boss, and toxic colleagues still playing sidekick then feel stuck in a rat race. Maybe you just needed a hard core yank to shake you to the core and make you do things that you never thought you have the guts to do: Change and start all over again.

Then, on the first day of summer, go out for breakfast alone; enjoy a hot cup of coffee while smelling fresh croissants across the bakery. Look up because it’s a good day. Open the newspaper; notice the date on the upper right hand corner. Realize that it has already been a year and have not noticed that you have already moved on. Be thankful when you look back and see how much you’ve grown.