18 things I would tell my 21 year old self

What I would tell my 21 year old self:

• You will have all these Plan A, B, and C after college graduation and life will not turn out the way you planned and it will be okay.
• You will make two big mistakes in your twenties and those two will be your best teachers.
• You will start your career with a sucky job but you will actually find a job that you really like and be proud of.
• You will smoke, drink and party, thinking you are invincible in your twenties. By 28, you will quit your vices by going cold turkey and you will make it. 
• You think you can no longer resign and take time to figure yourself out at 23? It will catch up when you're 26 and your change of life will start from there.
• You will have your fun in the city and by being independent, but you will be back, reformed.You will retreat from the forces of the Universe then later find out that it was for your own good.
• You will flunk an eligibility test but you will have a Masteral Degree before you turn 30.
• You think you will work for TV and Publishing as a writer, but you will actually become a writer for a highly regarded university and work for the government.
• You will lose some long time friends but it will be worth it. You will be lucky to stay close friends with those you grew up with after all these years.
• You will fall, hard in love, and become unimaginably stupid. But don't worry, you will be saved.
• You will be failed by some people, even those you highly respect and who you look up to. But you will learn your great lessons from them. 
• You will lose loved ones, and learn that you will have no choice but to go on. And you will be fine. 
• You will ignore it, but your father is right. You will fight it, but your mother is right.
• You will travel, meet people, read a lot, and do a lot of research in pursuit of happiness only to find out that it actually starts with you.
• You will witness how people just like to talk but can't really walk and eventually learn to stop listening to outside forces, trust yourself, and depend on your good judgment.
• You will have no idea how hard comparing yourself to other is only to realize that the competition is only with yourself.
• You will still be single by the time you are 30 and you're going to be totally, unbelievably, fine with it.
• You will like yourself better at 30 and in the coming years. Claim it, live it!

29 years ago, my mom was gifted an Angel

Her name is Angelina and she took care of me when I was six months old.

I keep saying in this blog that I wanted a brother that's because I already have an older sister who took care of Aprille and me,

I would like to credit our Achi Helen, whose been with us since I was barely six months old. If there's someone who knows us so well, that's our Achi Helen. Part of who (Aprille and me) we are today, part of it was Achi Helen.

Happy, Happy birthday to our Achi Helen, who's literally been with us through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, through our ups and downs. I never saw Achi as someone other than my older sister. God was so good to my mom that He blessed her with an Angel who's been with us for almost 30 years and counting.

In this day of age, finding and having another "Achi Helen" is so scarce that it's almost close to impossible. I am forever thankful and grateful that even before I even reached a year old, we already have a guardian angel until now and until forever.

I love you Achi.

I love Betty White

I love Betty White.

I love Betty White because I've learned on much earlier that I am not born out of the cookie cutter.

And that I will always have this little rebel in me.

And because I have such high respect for individuality and those who have dared to be different.

But not the jologs and jejemons, please. I can only take so much.

Do you remember the first time you learned about the internet?

I do.

I remember the first time I learned about the internet.

It was in 1999, when communication is still MIRC. It costs Php90.00 per hour and internet cafes were stylish, cold, and they serve fancy chocolate shakes with wafers on top.

Do you remember getting your first email address?

I do.

It was back in 2000, as a college student. I learned about MIRC and people keep asking me for my email address. And I was like, what is that? Maybe I should get one. I went to this internet shop near my college dorm, and without asking for assistance, even if I looked stupid, I navigated my way through yahoo. Trust me, google was still just being discovered and yahoo.com used to be the thing.

I must have created 5 different email addresses in one sitting: I have yahoo, hotmail, mailcity, msn and aol. I had fun creating different names for my email address, until I decided to have one email address that I'm going to have for a long time, I still have it now, more than a decade later.

I developed this love affair with the internet. And it became everyone's thing.

What if I saw an ex-boyfriend?

Of course, my cray cray friends would ask, "Which one?"

I think, its safe to say that I've had my share of ex-boyrfriends. I do not mean to write about ex-boyfriends today but Cecile Van Straten of Chuvaness, wrote something that triggered me to have something to write about today. While she wrote about never being friends with an ex boyfriend, I somehow managed to keep two.

I have imagined how it would be like running into some of them.

If I were a boy...then I wouldn't be writing this post.

Not to be such a total girl about it, but last night, for the love of me, I experienced my first ever car flat tire.

Two years ago,after attending my birthday party, my good friend Rolls experienced a tire mishap while driving at South Expressway and my guy friends came to rescue and got home at around 3 in the morning. They showed me pictures of Rolls’ flat tire and it sure looked scary but she was able to change tires and go home safe after getting it fixed. She was driving alone and it’s a good thing our guy friends were there to help.

That’s one of the reasons I am not much into getting my own car. I more interested in getting my own townhouse/condo/house and lot because I am very big on getting my own space and have no qualms about commute . Plus I don’t really know if I am really ready for such responsibility because: 1) I surely can’t change tires, 2) my attention span in all the car-mechanical-talk is just about 5 minutes 3) I enjoy being the passenger after learning how to drive when I was seventeen.

It’s a good thing I noticed the strange sound coming from my side because I could’ve gone out of the University campus easily, but God doesn’t put helpless naive people like me in places where I could not be helped. I parked the car right infront of my office building at half past ten in the evening and while waiting to be rescued, my mom called for help and within 5 minutes, the nice people from the University Police Force and UPLB’s Community Support Brigade (CSB) immediately came over to help.

Last night it slowly dawned on me that my father’s gone because if he were still alive, he’d know what to do with the tires. It’s a good thing he kept all his complete tools inside the car, I just need to organize it. But when we were “rescued” last night, I was told that “since we’re all girls, I might as well get the dragon-something-something-to-lift-the-car-up”, so that I won’t have to get down on all fours. ( I did get on my all fours trying to help the guys out, only to be told that I lifted the car a little too high than what is required so I had no choice than be one of those girls who sits on the side walk, waiting for the fixing to be done.)

Flat Tire

Ransacked the caru to find the tools

So my next peg is to channel the Mechanic Megan Fox in Transformers into easily checking the car like it’s some sort of make-up kit.

Photo from Google

But damn, I wish if I get a tire mishap again, I was hoping to look this good:

The Demure (Source)

The Posh (Source)

The HOTTIE (Source)

Someone told me before that when he was a teenager and he asked his dad to teach him to how to drive, he was told and taught how to clean the car first, then change tires and finally the atras-abante (forward-backward) then proper driving lesson/training/self-discovery. You see, my father did not want to teach my sister Aprille and me how to drive, it was my mom who secretly enrolled me and my sister to a driving school (actually it was Aprille who went to a proper Driving school, I was taught by a freelance driver-trainer) so that we know how to drive before we turn 18.

If it wasn’t for my sneaky mom who made sure that we’d learn how to drive, then I wouldn’t have the chance to rush my dad to the hospital. I know some people would ask how can I drive without knowing the basics such as changing tires, but believe me, I wanted my father to teach me but we just couldn’t last a 15-minute driving/safety session without getting into some petty father-daughter argument.

Oh dear Good Lord, please do not let me entertain the thought of marrying someone, getting in a relationship with a guy just so I have someone to change my car’s tires. 

I told you if I were a boy, I definitely would not be writing this post.

The Sudden Death Advice

Way back then, I remember it was right after shift and I looked like shit.

My former boss came up to me at the nearby bar and asked me how am I doin? He saw me bawling few hours ago right before my shift started, talking to someone (my bff on speed dial) until some random male stranger handed over a tissue to wipe my tears off.

Yes, it was in public. Never had the chance to look at the face of the guy to say thanks.

And I don't think I still have the nerve to do that.

Source

I did not answer whatever question he had, but I think he got it. I just answered his question with another question:

What's the easiest way to deal with or get over a break up? 

Because I've had boyfriends before and this is not even my first serious relationship, but man, this thing has taken a toll on me. I never had to deal with personal problems at work but this was something else. I know how ridiculous this whole relationship was but for the first time, I actually believed in something. He was always telling me to hold on and keep the faith... and I fuckin' did and gotten my hopes up and then BAM!

So what's really the fastest way to deal with a break up? He said:

" Treat it like... Sudden Death lang." 

I thought it was radical. And way easier said than done. This person, although he appeared to be intangible is what I have considered the greatest love of my life... and I am in my mid-twenties. So it's not like some stupid puppy love shit. I felt it was real, because it was unconditional and I need not to be monitored because for once I was willing to be taken over. And it did.

It has taken a toll on me.

Later, it made sense. The Sudden Death Advice.

Who can compete with death nga naman? I can think of a hundred and one ways to make his life miserable, and spend every single day plotting revenge, but when the person dies, it's game over.

This is probably the most radical break up advice that I got and was able to only digest it now. So Imma send him some light and prayer, because it's game over.

May this battle rest in peace and this is without bitterness. At all.

It's Game Over.

Baby Steps for the Broken Heart

It has been quite a few weeks when I received something in the mail about a guy friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He was asking how did I recover from a break up. Like I’m the expert.

But really, not long ago I experienced what seems to be the most painful break up of my life. Of course, the first one that I had hurt so badly but this one is different. I’ve had boyfriends in the past but this one has shaken me to the core. I really don’t know if it comes with age, but I think the younger you are, the more strength you have to take on these emotional things but as you get older, heartbreaks gets the best of you.

Heart breaks make or break you. It’s always either you get stronger and cynical, or you remain hopeful but inevitably stupid but hey, there really is no formula how to get over a break up. Like the cliché it has always been different strokes for different folks.

As I have mentioned earlier, not long ago I got my heart broken and it did hurt so bad. So bad that I had to move heaven and earth to change my life. I know it is expensive to overhaul your life every time your heart gets broken, I mean not everyone can take a chance and afford to travel to three countries like Liz Gilbert did in her personal memoir, Eat, Pray, Love or change apartments like what I did with mine. But I have come up with do-able baby steps to get your butt moving and from leaving that pint of ice cream alone and get moving.

So,M- This post is dedicated to you.

Okay, here we are. After the usual stage of crying your eyes out, staring at the ceiling, being in denial and getting drunk, at the end of the day you literally have to do something.

Change at least something.

     Do not do something drastic like shaving your head or cutting your hair. There’s 50% chance that you’re going to regret that later.

     Change at least something, even as simple as changing your routine in getting to work and going home. Explore a new route, enroll in a class, take up a sport, whatever it is, change something and stick to it for the meantime. In my case, I only live 5 minutes away from my office building but I stayed with a friend for a week and took an hour commute just for the sake of changing things.

Replicate/Substitute your daily lovers’ routine.

     

Keeping yourself busy is really a cliché, but it works, but I really am tired of hearing it from people. You cannot just get busy when you feel like your world has just been torn apart and sometimes it just makes you stare off to space. In my case, certain hours of the day needs to be replicated. For example, if every 2 in the afternoon you get to spend time together, create a new habit for 21 days straight ( I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to create a new habit) and put it in there. Make sure you are doing something new (the more physically exhausting, the better) and before you know it, your old lovers’ routine has been replicated.

Avoid Silence and failed relationship over analysis.

     

Being alone in silence – unless you’re too drunk- makes you think  and go over things one more time. Create a playlist of your broken hearted phase. In my case I created a playlist in my ipod about songs about breaking up but not wanting to get back with him. I got busy with iTunes and searching for different songs on the internet and it did help me and the whole Best Breakup songs playlist was on repeat mode in my iPod for several weeks.

     

When tempted to think about the failed relationship, do something physical such as taking out the garbage, doing your laundry, arranging your CDs, surf the internet, arrange your shoes and closet, fix your laptop or whatever. Replicate it with something that you can do with your hands just so you can temporarily take the things off your mind for a little bit (because chances are, you’ll be doing the thinking again and every little bit of distraction from thinking about the break up counts).

Make sure to be with friends( with patience as good as a saint).

     Make sure to have at least two trusted friends who know your story and have seen you while you were in your relationship. They are the best mirrors. Do not go around venting out at anyone familiar you know because chances you are, you tend to leave out some parts of the story and in reality, even if we are deeply in denial as of the moment, we just know want an affirmation from somebody else.

     

Do not talk to his/her friends about your relationship. It’s like asking your opponent how to beat them at something. They will not rat out on their friends either. Sure, they will be polite and side with you on certain points, but trust me. They do not want to get involved in you and your ex’s business.

     

Be careful with whose advice you buy, like Baz Luhrmann’s Sunscreen song. Avoid negative people because the last thing you need is to be surrounded by miserable people who loves company. Surround yourself with positive people because like negative people, they can affect and influence you too and it’s better to be influenced by positive people because the last thing you need is a negativity amplifier.

    

Set an internal deadline for how long you want to sulk and rant. Do not abuse your friends’ patience and take advantage of their listening ears. At the end of the day, it is your own personal battle and not theirs. Bottom line is, you have to help yourself because if not, nobody can.

Set a goal to make a number of friends but do not find a rebound.

    

When we are in a relationship for so long, we tend to really live in that comfort zone that we do not care anymore about making new friends. Keep in mind that this new phase, your goal is to make new friends and not find a rebound. (Try really hard not to, even when it is tempting.) If you’ve gotten off a 12 year relationship, please do not jump the gun and marry the next thing that moves. Please give enough time to get to know the person because if you don’t, it’ll be unfair for that person to pay for your hang ups. And you’ll regret later (even if you don’t admit or secretly admit it) you will tell yourself that you should have waited.

  

   If you’re not the friendly type, try talking to strangers. It can be very liberating for the introverts. You don’t have to be really shy about it because they don’t know you anyway. It can be as simple as asking for directions (even if you already know) or asking for a recommendation from a waiter/waitress at a restaurant while looking for something to order. Two words: Small talk.

Finally Stop Counting.

Do not count and take note in your personal calendar how long will it take you to get over, because as long as you keep counting, subconsciously you are still thinking about your ex and how hurt you are. It’s like taking care of a wound and preserving it.

Whether you like it or not, you will move on. The process of who moves on first depends on your choice of how fast you can accept and let go. I used to really keep on tracking the days that I am thinking about my ex and it seemed to prolong the so-called getting over phase, but when I finally surrendered, I got over fast before I even know and realize it.

Before I end this post, I would like to share something my cousin and I talked about when it comes to taking a stand and letting go of someone whom we crazily love but is bad for us. I asked how come she can make such strong decisions about letting go and I wanted to become like her as well. I asked how she did it. She shared:

“It’s not about being strong, it’s about finally reaching a point in your life that you know deep down that you’ve had enough and that alone will give you the jolt that you need to let go and move on.”

To Rachels and Alices

Rachel Danburry tried to ignore her husband’s infidelities. She told herself he was simply possessed of extraordinary charm, but when he has an affair a woman called Candice Carter, a former starlet for Paramount and owner of the town theatre, she could no longer pretend she didn’t know what was going on.Rachel sought solace, and revenge, in the arms of Edward Rutherford, a neighbor who had always been pleasant, had always been willing to stop for a chat, and until Rachel set out to – successfully-seduce him, nothing more.But Rachel and Edward fell in love, and eventually Rachel had to make a choice between a love that was more meaningful than anything she had ever known, and her husband.She chose her husband.And for the rest of her life Rachel learned to turn a blind eye. She learned to switch off the light in her bedroom, trying not to think of the fact that he husband was not lying beside her, trying not to think about where he was or who he might be with.

-excerpt from the Prologue of Jane Green’s Spellbound (UK Version) / To Have and to Hold (US Version)

There must be a reason why I have that book, both versions by Author Jane Green.

There must be reason why I bought the book in 2009 but have never read it until summer of 2011.

There must be a reason why I am out of town when I finally got the time and chance to read it, and the resort that I stayed in with a friend (who was in a similar state as Rachel’s) does not have TV or internet connection. Just an intermittent cellular phone signal. I get it now.

Please be informed that this is not a book review and there are no spoiler alerts. Although I recommend buying the book, it cannot be understood fully by many, only those who have worn Rachel’s shoes.

Jane Green’s Spellbound is about the wife Alice and her philandering husband Joe, who’s got a mistress at work named Josie. Alice and Joe moved in to the house where Rachel Danburry used to live with her philandering husband as well and the house was said to have a curse that whoever lives there, the couple breaks up. It just so happen that Alice and Joe moved in that same house.

I would like to cite something from the book about Joe:

“Occasionally Joe feels guilty about the women he sleeps with, but not so guilty as to stop, and anyway they have no bearing on in his relationship with Josie. As long as she doesn’t know, how can it possibly hurt her, for Joe would never want to hurt Josie (the mistress who caused the breakup of his marriage -ed), just as he never wanted to hurt Alice (his first wife -ed).”-   (Green,2003, p. 437, Spellbound)

And to understand the “Joes” in the world is infuriating. They have an addiction, a sickness that will not be cured by just one Josie. 


I admire the strength and sacrifice of those “Rachels” who can turn a blind eye and pretend like nothing is wrong because once a Joe, always a Joe. Those who know that “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” but chose to try to forget and stick around anyway. Never mind if the person lying next to them in the other side of the bed is not really the person they thought they were. Never mind if they really cannot penetrate and knows what goes on in the mind of their own Joes. Never mind if they watch him walk around spaced out. Never mind if they cannot conquer and control their Joe’s mind about who and what he really is thinking about.

But most of all, I admire the “Alices” I know. Those who are brave enough to stand up for their own good, who chose not to be used, who made decisions that are fair for themselves and not out of anger, those who chose to be happy, who chose to be strong.

And to the “Alice” that I know that shared a hand-me-down advice from a pastor who gave her this advice:

“The only problems that you have are the things that you can control. The thing/people/events that you have no control of means that they are not your problem.” 

Dear Another “Alice”,

“Joe” is not your problem because you cannot control him and what he does behind your back. Your problem is how and what you chose to deal with and how you’re going to put up with him.

Your friend in the book,

“Emily”

Tags and Labels

I was not expecting that one of the first day requirement (besides the usual self-introduction) is: Labeling.

I thought last year, it was just our batch, because we're all fun and crazy during the first day. There's something really nice and warm about belonging to a certain batch and knowing that you're all newbies.

But this time, I got really surprised why in grad school, almost all (if not everyone) is very much concerned about your label a.k.a. your relationship status:

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Last year, a classmate of ours dropped the subject. I remember on his first day upon introduction, somebody from the audience/class blurted out: Are you single or married?

He was obviously irritated and if I remember it correctly, he asked why it was even relevant. He didn't show up the next meeting... and the following meetings until one day we just found out that he already dropped the subject.

Anyway, why is everyone asking about someone else's relationship status nowadays?And why do (some) people allow themselves to be defined by mere tags and labels?

When a woman starts to behave this way

When a woman starts secretly looking at you like this:

It means:

• She finds you interesting.
• She wonders in her head how good you look together.
• She wonders how come she's never seen you this way before.
• She wonders if you can make her happy; if you'll be happy together.
• She might start falling in love with you.

When a woman secretly watches you sleep...

She:

• likes seeing you in her bed.
• stares at your lips that she wants to kiss again.
• likes hearing your breathing.
• wonders how long she can keep you.
• prays that this feeling will last forever.
• hopes to hold the moment forever in a time capsule.

Ladies, don't you just love early stages like this?

Close Call

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I've seen this old lady for so long that I can remember and every chance we get to see each other face to face, it dawns on me how her face resembles the face of someone I thought I would someday call family.

I'm starting to learn where you got your cheekbones and how the shape of her head resembles that of your mom's.

Every time I see her, I get this rush of emotions that there was a time that if the Universe had twisted our fate, I, as we speak, would be standing up from where I am seated, walk over to this lady, get her right hand and place it on my forehead.

I don't even know if that's included in the tradition, but yes, I could probably do that because when I fell in love with you, I could literally feel that I can move mountains, connect separated continents just so that I could get to where you are.

You know I could do that for you and I feel like I have this overwhelming wave of emotions that I only felt for you. You have made my eyes, the gate to my soul, jump for joy and make my secret tears fall when they are not supposed to.

I should no longer be thinking about this, but there's just something about seeing the shape and facial bone structure of this old lady today that reminded me so much of you.

I lower down my gaze, while inhaling deeply, as I hear my heart pounding so loud that it is almost deafening. We could've been relatives by a certain degree and association. We could've been... in its cultural sense, a family.

But every thing that happened ended up in a close call.


Whew!

OFF

I sit in the corner office tapping my fingers on the table.

I really do not know what else to write; in fact I don’t seem to have my brain tonight to write with, knowing that you are here.

It’s just like Janet Jackson’s song:

“I heard from a friend today and she said you were in town, suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind…”

My phone’s been ringing for quite some time now. It’s your 25^th call since, let’s say an hour ago.

You just don’t know when to give up do you?

Normally, my drafts would’ve been finished by half past three. I would probably be enjoying a nice cold slushy with a colleague. But today is totally different.

You are here. We are breathing the same air.

You keep asking me in your text messages where am I and attempting to pick me up for coffee.Like last time, we had coffee. Do you remember?

We had a great time over coffee.

Actually the coffee in that shop sucks because it was hardly recognized by my taste buds, but something about sitting right in front you that made it taste so sweet.

Actually there isn’t much to talk about. We didn’t have much to talk about during that time.  I was just enjoying your presence in front of me like how an awkward teenage in love behaves.

My phone. It’s ringing again.

“Dude? Aren’t you going to take that call?” Nathaniel asks me. Nat is in graphics division and currently works during the late hours.

“Sorry Nat.”

“If you want to get rid of the guy, remember there is an off button.”

He’s right. There is an off button.

I can’t always be your welcoming committee. I can’t always be your security blanket; you shock absorber, your so-called best friend.Best friends don’t make their friends cry themselves to sleep.

There goes your 27^th call again. Nat winks at me.

You’ve had enough of my past already and I am in whole new light now, not to mention I now have my own turf. I will not allow you to trespass and get into my system once again. I finally reached for my phone and pressed the red button.

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OFF

Such a small gesture and step but makes a big difference. I will no longer complain about having been treated unfairly. I will no longer have sleepless nights asking why and I will no longer have to deal with your empty promises and will no longer give you permission to get my hopes up.

I realized that half of the painful events are with my permission and I have allowed you to mess with my head.

Not anymore.

Hey

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Hey,

I know it’s kind of late for me to write this considering things have already been said and done. I know how awkward this is for you and me after all, it’s been a while.

I’d like to thank you for putting things in perspective for both you and me. It was hard to go through it alone for all this time you were just sitting on the bleachers while I get stuck in the middle of this circus.

Things have been looking up, I guess, for both you and me. Everything’s been really fine and I’m happy that I am now in a different place than I was a few years ago.And you’re starting to be really great too. I can see that you've warmed up now, though it took you an entire era to reach that, at least, hey, you’re here now.

And you know I just had a few realizations because the last time was all blurry. You were a perfect gentleman who valued silence. I know I should be more like you, but I just can’t because I am me and there’s no one I’d like to be other than myself.

Remember how you know how I love to keep you in my life on the sidelines? You seldom see the glitter in my eyes but you’re familiar with my infectious laugh. I tend to savor my private happy moments but you know my moments of downfall.

I know it appears that you have the last say, but I’d like to let you know that I have recuperated really well and I am fine now. Not that I don’t need you anymore, but I can now take it from here.

Though I am close to you, I’m really a hundred miles away, so I would really appreciate if you don’t jump on my trampoline of emotions and test the gravity just so you can validate yourself. You can do that, baby, but not to me.

Oh hey, 


By the way, thank you very much for not talking. 

When your Past creates a whole new Future

"Keets, I proposed and now I'm officially engaged! I'm gettin' married!" A text message read.

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It was a weekend and I was out drinking with new friends out of town. I know I'm not tipsy and have read it correctly. An ex-boyfriend is gettin' married.

And I just couldn't contain my happiness for them. He was a really good guy and she's an awesome girl. So I texted him back. Actually I did more than just text, I called him up and congratulated him immediately, non-stop in all my high-pitched voice glory. I remember asking for his fiancé's number so I can personally congratulate her and he did give it to me.

So I did text her. Fiancé  and I know each other from way back but we never really became friends, just mere acquaintances. I texted her and she replied:

"Thank you so much! We look forward seeing you on our wedding day!"

Several weeks later, the ex told me that his fiancé told him that, out of the first bunch of people that they have shared their good news with, I was the only one she genuinely felt to be super happy and excited about them tying the knot.

I remember the night when he told me and I called him up to congratulate him on the spot, I got off the phone and got weird quizzical looks from the people I was with. They probably got weirded out and I was consistently yakking on the phone in my consistent high-pitched voice. They asked me who that was (the one I was on the phone with) and I told them that an ex boyfriend called me up to tell me the good news that he's going to get hitched. I got my second wave of weirded out looks.

I don't really care if I appear to be quite unbelievable, or not, but yes, it is possible to be genuinely happy for someone who's been a part of your life. If you were to ask me why or how, I'm going to give you a straight forward and genuine answer: Acceptance.

Acceptance that you're way much better off as friends. Acceptance that someone can take care of him better than you do, and acceptance that someone better can take care of you better than he did. And sometimes, things just don't work out. It is acceptance and open heart that makes you at peace and in my case, I got really lucky that it is genuinely mutual.

Fast forward to post-wedding: Unfortunately, I was not able to attend the wedding due to conflict in schedule.

Several months later, I ran into him at a certain shop with his wife and exchanged pleasantries. As we bid each other goodbye, I watched them as they walk over to the counter's line while I stood there from a distance still feeling very happy for them and grateful how well everything turned out and how everything fell right into place in our own and in God's perfect time.

Steps to Lose Yourself and Find Dignity in the End

Check the Pre-requisite before performing the tasks:

• Dead End Job
• Toxic Colleagues
• Far away friends
• Away from home
• Single Status
• No Hobbies or Passion
• Wishful thinking

Step One.

Be bored. Be very bored. Not just with your dead end job but with life. Make sure you really have nothing else to do. You get up in the morning, have breakfast alone, grab a coffee in the subway and arrive just in time for work. Turn on your computer and see more than one hundred emails waiting in your inbox. Answer the phone when your boss calls. Attend the meeting. Act as if you care. Participate in the grand plan of helping your boss get out of trouble. Assume that it's team work. Accept the lunch invitation of a colleague. Sit and try to enjoy the endless gossiping. Ask questions so they they won't notice that you don't really give a shit. Watch them as they seem to be so into it. Listen as they trash talk the boss then find them with the boss later as they both enjoy their cigarette break together. Accept an after work drinks invitation. Be aware as your boss try to dig in dirty shit out of you. Stay sober. Watch boss dish their own dirty details with hope of you paying the same thing. Tomorrow will be another day of the routine of dragging yourself from the bed. You just can't wait for payday.

Step Two.

Wear your sash for best supporting actress. Make sure to watch your friends as they take risks. They get married, get pregnant, go abroad or get promoted somewhere else. Make yourself available all the time for your friends. Listen to them whine about their husbands, their boyfriends, support them when they turn to play for the other team. Host dinner, invite everyone and play the role of the generous hostess. Hold a friend's hand when you both find out that their other half is cheating. Go with them when they decide to see a shrink. Let them cry in the privacy of your room. After all, you are the best friend. In the movie you are the lead's sidekick. You tell them if you know the truth. Respect if they act all strong and powerful. Join them in the salon. Show up at the bar when they invite you for a drink. Pick up the call at 2 in the morning when they break down. Watch them patch things up, encourage forgiveness, believe in the power of love. Then watch them forget about you when things are going great. You'll be needed again til their next heartbreak. After all, the scriptwriter has written that you are supposed to be that kind of a friend.

Step Three.

Enjoy your alone time. Enjoy managing your finances while living alone. It would be so great to just lie around and play couch potato but it's laundry day. Feel nostalgic but be proud you're living on your own. Miss being taken care of, not just family but by someone. Feel tired being the superwoman. All the pretension in the workplace gets the best of you. Find out that you are too tired to take up a new hobby. You're too tired to actually get up from your ass and enroll in Photography. Or Design Class. Or Make Up school. Prefer to just sleep in because you are too tired to play sports. You no longer remember what you are passionate about. You've grown to be lazy and you blame it on your heavy workload and lack of reason to get up in the morning. Believe that you need to rest. Decide to be thankful that you are only taking care of yourself but realize that you want to take care of someone and want to be taken care of too. Then snap out of it. Hopefully.

Step Four.

Continue being available. In fact, be very available. Laugh at jokes. Entertain suitors. Go on dates, it’s a nice opportunity to play dress up; after all you just never know whom you might just meet. But the problem is, you know yourself too well that you don't go out to validate yourself. You only want to entertain the one you are really interested in. You're too transparent to even play polite. You wish that somehow you can be like the others, who are great at pretending or using other people for validation. After all, it really feels good to be adored, to be admired and you can just feel your head getting bigger when they compliment you about how witty you are and how they want to see you again. But instead you just play friends. Because honestly, you don't really know how to take compliments. You don't know if they are just pulling your leg, or if they just need someone to flirt with. You don't buy it because you've played the same bullshit game, and as they say, we are all afraid of our own ghosts.

Step Five.

Feel tired. Complain. Call in sick. Dial everyone's number and plan a reunion. Call a friend who have recently come out as gay, call a friend who was recently divorced, call a friend in midlife crisis, call a friend who just came back from abroad, call a friend who just gave birth, and call a friend who have recently gotten back together with their other half. Call everyone; after all, friends keep us sane. But unfortunately no one is available. The gay friend is enjoying the freedom and liberation of coming out. The recently divorced is battling child custody. The one in midlife crisis is looking for another job opportunity. The one from abroad wants to spend time with family, the friend who just gave birth is experiencing post-partum depression, and the friend who recently have gotten back together with the other half is diligently taking care of their relationship. They send their apologies. Feel hurt and disappointed. Talk one of them, and hide what you feel when they tell you that you just got too many free time on your hands. The finally acknowledge that you might just need to get your own life by having someone to be with.

Step Six.

Shop. Because nothing cures your sadness than retail therapy. Feel very happy when you score a really fantastic pair of shoes on sale. Enjoy as you happily swipe your card on the counter, feel the excitement as the saleslady hand over your fifth shopping bag. Go to a fancy restaurant. Order for one. Enjoy a sip of your favorite wine as you consciously watch people come in pairs or by family. Look around and see that you are seated in the middle of the room, alone.

Step Seven.

Allow yourself to be found. Relate to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream song. Realize someone familiar and have known before. Be friendly, in fact, be extra friendly. Be interesting; be even more amazing. Do all the talking; show how passionate you are about life. Realize that this someone already feels something for you. Ignore current issues, let things and feelings get out of hand. Assume that this might be it and might be worth the risk. Feel yourself falling in love while losing your head at the same time after all, it has been a while. Allow yourself to feel like a princess, feel pampered, protected and loved. Do the same thing. Quit thinking too much and think that this might be the one that you need. Move heaven and earth for the sake of love. Agree on a temporary set up for there is an inevitable past. Believe in your special someone’s plan for your future together. Love doesn’t mind the difference in time zones or the cultural difference.  Do not mind to keep your relationship a secret. Fantasize your secret wedding. You’ll just surprise everyone one day. Believe that it’s about time that you should be happy and live your own life. Overlook what you have learned to consider small things. Do not mind doing all the work. Believe that it will not always be this way. Besides, you are happy and that’s all that matters.

Step Eight. 

Learn to realize but not immediately. Because your head wasn't hit hard enough. Try not to mind that keeping everything a secret is taking a toll on you. Slowly win your loved one’s family over. Always send your best regards though you haven’t met them yet. Get their numbers and remember their birthdays. Cross the bridge over and join their interest, even if it bores you. Prove that you are the best they’ve ever had. Be determined to be the apple of the eye of your future in-laws. Leave a mark. There may be a past but you will outshine it all with your promised future. Be very patient and forgiving. You cannot afford to quit for you know you are afraid to lose. So overlook things that you have learned to consider ‘small things’, such as never being properly introduced. Listen and believe when asked to be patient, when asked to keep the faith. Believe that you are really loved and that you are worth fighting for, maybe not now, but in the future. Ignore the first sign of you just being lead on; think that you are just being tested to be patient. After all, they say that love is patient and kind. Then, eventually, start to think. Clearly.

Step Nine.

Find out the truth, face the reality then decide. Find out that you cannot lose something you never really had, face the reality that you will never be together and decide just for how long are you willing to put up with it. You're tired of always complaining to no one but yourself. Realize that maybe it is time to shut the hell up and do something about it. Accept the fact that there really is no promising future for you. Realize that after all this time you were just kept on the sides like a spare tire.  Acknowledge the pain, though acceptance will not come in yet. Self-Apologize for being the worst manager of yourself then do something brave. Quit your job, your toxic friends and flee just how a thief would leave in the middle of the night. Remember how envious you are of others who can afford to take risks? This is the time to do yours. Quit being on the sidelines and playing the role of someone’s sidekick and personal cheerleader. Quit asking what might, could and should have been. Quit wondering and get up from the ground because you already hit the rock bottom and there’s no other choice than to move up. You will just realize one day that there is courage in quitting and whether you like it or not, you will heal.

Step Ten.

Breathe.  Maybe you need to breathe a different kind of fresh air. You have no idea what are you up to next, but somehow you feel very brave. Like you do not know where all this strength is coming from. You’re initially clueless about your faith but you are in desperate need of something to believe in. You are in pain; in fact it has become too painful that you’re no longer afraid to do things that scared you before. Feel invincible and from that moment on, start to realize that you have no other ally but yourself. That you are responsible for your own pain, that you did not lose anybody but yourself because you are supposed to be living not existing. You stop robbing yourself your own happiness. Decide that if pain is inevitable then hurt from the one that is worth it, not this. Never mind that you gave in to the first act of malicious kindness because you wanted an immediate fix for everyone seemed to be moving on but you. Your past unhappiness will no longer come back unless you continue living it. Realize that if not for this painful experience, you would still be complaining in that dead end job, asshole boss, and toxic colleagues still playing sidekick then feel stuck in a rat race. Maybe you just needed a hard core yank to shake you to the core and make you do things that you never thought you have the guts to do: Change and start all over again.

Then, on the first day of summer, go out for breakfast alone; enjoy a hot cup of coffee while smelling fresh croissants across the bakery. Look up because it’s a good day. Open the newspaper; notice the date on the upper right hand corner. Realize that it has already been a year and have not noticed that you have already moved on. Be thankful when you look back and see how much you’ve grown.