It didn’t take long for me to decide what would be the shot of my personal project of capturing my footsteps each month. I do not have to wait for the month to be over for me to decide. The month of April was supposed to be a good start, but on the 3rd day and on a Holy Tuesday, I woke up very early in the morning having to rush my Dad to the hospital.
It is one of the scariest point in my life, something that I’ve
been telling my friends about, that I do not want to be woken up by the voice
of my mom telling me that I have to rush my Dad to the hospital. What is
supposed to be 15 minutes of driving, I was able to make it in less than 7
minutes. For someone who can’t park for shit, I can finally say that I have
driven the most important drive of my life: Rushing my Tatay to the hospital.
No, this post isn’t about the experience... yet. We haven’t gone
through the survival stage yet, but I was able to capture what my feet looked
like for the past two weeks because it was such a roller coaster of emotions.
To experience something that you’ve been scared of your whole life. I tweeted
before, that with this memory that I have, I never really believed in forgive
and forget until I reached this time that I am willing to forgive and even more
than willing to forget.
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| Left: ICU Visitor's Area at LBDH; Right - Squatting at PGH's 2nd Floor CENICU Entrance |
These two photos reminded me how I am feeling at the edge,
cliff hanger, waiting for an improvement. To this day, my Dad is in the ICU for
turning three weeks now, Glascow Coma Scale of 3 (which is the lowest) and he
suffered a very bad stroke. For a writer, I am having difficulty trying to put
it in words about how this pain feels. This is so painful that I cannot even
wish this for my worst enemy.
I could be doubting my faith right now but on the contrary,
I felt closer to God while walking along the streets trying to come up with
resources, walking and feeling like a zombie. For someone who is obsessed about organizers and loves planning things, events, life, I had to throw everything up in the air and realize I am not the boss. For the first time in my life, I finally have the grasp of what it is like to let go and let God.
And the things that you hear from people who's been through this similar phase is true. I am treasuring this experience because not only I am gaining so much wisdom and realization, just as what my friend Joy's older sister, Ate Mia said, this is empowering as well. I know that I will understand everything in the future because, they say life is meant to be understood backwards. I just wish it isn't this painful. But I am here now.
I hated hospitals but I lived there for a week, waking up at 4 in the morning during sunrise, looking through the window of ICU hoping to learn new improvement for the day. I sleep at 12 midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of improvement, that he may finally respond to pain, but none. For someone who loves the feeling of fresh, crisp bedsheet, it didn’t take me long to finally adopt to sleeping on waiting chairs, camping outside the ICU room and lacking some decent sleep. For someone who had to make peace with her hair everyday, it didn’t take long for me to roughen things up and put it in a lousy pony tail. For someone who is seeing a dermatologist, it didn’t take long for me to quit whatever beauty regimen I have and deal with an oily face. I’ve been sleeping with oily skin and stressed out face and I just don't care.
I just want to be awake when Tatay finally wakes up.
And the things that you hear from people who's been through this similar phase is true. I am treasuring this experience because not only I am gaining so much wisdom and realization, just as what my friend Joy's older sister, Ate Mia said, this is empowering as well. I know that I will understand everything in the future because, they say life is meant to be understood backwards. I just wish it isn't this painful. But I am here now.
I hated hospitals but I lived there for a week, waking up at 4 in the morning during sunrise, looking through the window of ICU hoping to learn new improvement for the day. I sleep at 12 midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of improvement, that he may finally respond to pain, but none. For someone who loves the feeling of fresh, crisp bedsheet, it didn’t take me long to finally adopt to sleeping on waiting chairs, camping outside the ICU room and lacking some decent sleep. For someone who had to make peace with her hair everyday, it didn’t take long for me to roughen things up and put it in a lousy pony tail. For someone who is seeing a dermatologist, it didn’t take long for me to quit whatever beauty regimen I have and deal with an oily face. I’ve been sleeping with oily skin and stressed out face and I just don't care.
I just want to be awake when Tatay finally wakes up.
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