It has been a year of disbelief

This day last year was totally different from today.

At 5:15 in the morning, I rushed my father to the hospital, only to have his final stroke at past 10 am. At this time of the hour, I was in the hospital probably asking people for prayers. It was on a holy Tuesday. He left the house in his surfer shorts, trusty old crocs, light white shirt and we never expected that he'd never come back home.

With his one hand on the wall, holding on for balance, my mom was rubbing his back as he threw up. That's my last vision of him in our house. The doctors have told us that his series of stroke could have started while he was asleep, because when he woke up, he went straight to the bathroom and started throwing up.

Imagine. While asleep.

And April 3 last year started the year of disbelief.

Since then, I thanked God for every morning that I wake up. Every moment that I could breathe. Every moment that I am sane and every moment that I can still feel my heart beat.

I thanked God for every mundane thing that I can think of. I have lessened my complaining. Before, little things get the best of me. I have always been the planner, the organized kind of girl. I'm very cautious of dates and time. I must always have a plan, but this date last year, God showed me who's boss.

God showed me and taught me to lean not on my own understanding. It was hard to let go and scary to think what would happen within the next few days. But I had no choice but to let go. Just when I thought I couldn't.

I remember getting up at 4 in the morning and sleeping up at 12 midnight to monitor my father in the ICU. It was the toughest times and right now it still has been a disbelief. I tried not blogging about it today, but series of things were kind of bothering me today and I wanted to stop and just be thankful that I am awake.

I am stressed, worried about my thesis, got a big work event tomorrow, break outs on my face, feeling sluggish...but I am awake.

I have lessened my complaining. Like a lot. Sometimes I walk around in blind faith. There's still that fear in me that I do not know what will happen next, or whatever that's happening is still relevant.

But I learned to trust. I learned to trust that every thing will be alright and it will get better.

Because it does...and it did.