Dear Tatay (Dad), I realized I've never written you a letter

If I could get another chance, Another walk, Another dance with him

I'd play a song that would never ever end, How I'd love love love, To dance with my father again

I just realized that I've never really written you a letter. Except the "take care" notes that I've posted all over our house's back door and at the back of you bedroom. I swear I'm writing this letter the night before you died, I thought of reading it out loud when it's my turn to look after you. But then, you were never the confrontational/open forum type. Maybe that's why you left before I even had the chance to read my letter to you.

Father's day is coming up on Sunday and I browsed my planner last year. We didn't do anything special on your day. I think you and Mom are at grandma's. I was out having coffee with Jihan. Who would've thought that we'd never have a Father's day physically together again?

You know, when you were on your deathbed, even when you were still alive, it took me one whole month before I could enter the master's bedroom. I can't seem to get the picture of you throwing up in the toilet bowl out of my head the last time you were at home. I didn't know it was that serious but I am thankful that I was given a chance to drive for you one last time.

You see, I know and I am completely aware that I am not a Daddy's girl. God knows I wanted to be one and how I long for an older brother. Maybe that's the reason that I have solid male friends that I easily get along with. It was like a frustration. But I think we were like Bella from Twilight and you're Charlie. You don't hover. We co-exist peacefully when we're alone in Jubileeville and we share that comfortable silence. We don't talk to each other that much. But now, you're gone, I hate to admit that I do get your point now.

Remember when I was in first grade? You saw me reading the local "Funny" comics. You hated that I read comic books so you threw it all away. If you have not done that, I wouldn't have grown interest to indulge myself in books, eventually became a writer which turned out to be my passion.

Remember when I first got my camera? I was clicking here and there emptying out films. Mom scolded me how it costs money to have it developed. So when I had my last film developed, I didn't have money to pay for it. It was on standby at the photo studio shop for the longest time, then I found out you paid for my developed photos and took it home. Remember when I was smiling so hard in front of the camera that you ordered me to relax my muscles so I can have a natural smile? That's how I learned how to get my trademark smile.

I did not understand why you have to buy 4 life vests the first time. It turned out that you wanted us to have our own life vests when we first went to Puerto Galera.

I don't understand why you seem to be paranoid all the time about locking doors, electricity, security and safety. It turned out that it was for my own good because I've lived alone in Manila for 10 years and I never got mugged face-to-face. If I lost something like a wallet or a phone, it was something out of my area of responsibility and not a product of my own carelessness. If you hadn't trained us to be boy-scout alert like that, then we wouldn't be this "aware".

Remember when you were demonstrating safety precautions when going home alone at our house. You demonstrated how to take the keys and put it to safety, you demonstrated how not to get out of the car first. I was seated at the back seat and I keep rolling my eyes, now I am ransacking my brain out trying to remember. I wish I had listened more.

Remember when I first brought home a guy I was dating back in college? You did not like him but you couldn't tell it to me. Mom had to translate your disapproval for me. You were right, Dad. He was such an ass. I don't know how you can tell from a far that he is a jerk, it took me a few more months to finally figure it out. The next one that I brought home, you seem to feel okay with him. Maybe because you know I can swallow him up in one big gulp. But then, after we broke up, I never brought any guy home again, until I am dead serious about him.

Remember when we were talking about my Makati Senior Citizens Trip for my Graduate School Class? I asked for your opinion and have written my final paper taking off from your point of view. I got a really good grade in that class Tatay. Remember I showed you that white little slip with my grades when you were in ICU? I am now working on my thesis and will graduate like what I promised you, because I want to make you and Inay proud.

I'm in touch with my reality that you're gone, but sometimes it just feels like you only moved abroad. Maybe that's our coping mechanism, and maybe because even when you're gone, I can still feel you around. Sometimes, I even forget that you're gone. When I see the car in the drive way, I sometimes forget that it was me who drove the car and parked it that way.

I miss having drifted off to sleep with the lights on in my room, because I know at 530 in the morning, you open the door of my room and turn off the lights. You were saying that your electricity bill went up since I moved back home, because I fall asleep with the TV on, and sometimes while reading a book. But Tatay, I wake up a lot early now, with no qualms. I'm the one who's feeding the dogs now and they know your magic stick. One point from that wand they already know that they have to behave.

I hope you don't mind Tatay, but I've taken over the bathroom. This morning I saw the several bottles of your anti-hypertensive medicines that I've seen for years. Lately, I'm scared that I might be needing one soon. I've developed this insane paranoia, maybe it's psychosomatic, maybe it's trauma. The only thing that relaxes me is by praying.

I never had the chance to say I'm sorry. I wanted to, during the last week, but the doctor said that there's a huge chance that your hearing has already been impaired. So during lunch break, I frequented buying candles to light up a candle for you at St. Therese, sometimes in San Antonio church. I cannot really verbalize what I want and what I am praying for but God knows the desires of my heart.

We were never the vocal type of saying our "I love you's" but I'm glad I was able to say mine when you were still conscious. I hope, even I didn't get the chance to read this letter to you, you would know how we feel. You know, Inay (Mom) still hasn't returned from work yet. She never left your side since Day one, from the moment you were admitted in the emergency room, from the time that your oxygen went down in the ICU, when you were transferred to Manila, then back to Infirmary, at home, at the chapel and finally at the memorial park, she never left your side.

Ten years ago

...

I know she misses you and your driving because she can no longer fall asleep whether seated at the passenger or backseat when I'm driving. It was like she's hanging on to dear life when I drive because I know it's only you that she trust when travelling. You were never the kind who likes to use the car's horn so I somehow adopted the practice. The car has a few scratches from my driving now, Tatay, but I hope you won't get mad. Inay and I often get into petty arguments about my driving because she's being a backseat driver when she doesn't know how to drive. I know she misses seeing you behind the steering wheel, so I promise I will be more patient with her because I remember how you get mad at me when you see me arguing with her that she'd end up calming both of us down.

Thank you so much Tatay, for the lessons. Until now, I am still learning from you. Thank you for still being around. I know you're watching over us. I know it must have been really scary for you to go through that medical condition. I hope you don't mind that I have taken pictures since day one, because I want to look back at this experience. I remember when you were in a coma, when I feel so down like I wanted to just fall right into depression, I am reminded that if you, who is on a GCS coma state of 3, the lowest coma scale meter, is still breathing and fighting for your life, then why  can't I, who can walk around normally and breathe on my own. You've always been a fighter, that's why you were already a miracle on your own. Most people who went through your condition only lasted for less than 24 hours, the most is a week, but you were able to pull through for 2 months and a few days. You left when you felt that we have already adjusted and can make it on our own. You left before school starts so that your friends can still see and visit you and so that I can move on with my studies because I got thrown off my study mode the day you got sick.

We love you Tatay. Thank you for putting up a good fight. I know you did it for us.

P.S.
Speaking of steering wheel, I hope you don't mind that our car's becoming girlier and girlier because I bought a steering wheel cover but with tweety bird design in exchange for the malfunctioning triple A batteries for your oxymeter. Aprille and I were going after the hot pink steering wheel design but we couldn't find one at HandyMan store. 

Quick Review: Little nook called Kaska Deli

One thing about first day of school week in UPLB is the the opening of several shops within the UP gate vicinity. There were at least 4 shops that opened from first week of June 2012 alone.

While looking for a quick bite for catch up, we saw a tarpaulin sign of a newly opened shop located on the 2nd floor of Vega Center:

 Table numbers were "standing" on a bread:

Because we were not feeling so adventurous, we ordered the safest ones:

The raspberry and lemon tea (php25)

 The Kaska Plain burger (Php100+)  I think. Fries came with burger. The burger and ingredients seems fresh. :)

Sour cream flavored fries (Php95)

 Quick Review:

• Owner says wifi is still in the process of being installed.
• Reasonably priced.
• Lacking in tissue on every table (you have to ask for it, but hey they just opened last June 8, only 6 days old when we went there.)
• Taste: 2.5 out of 5 (considering I have a very plain, basic, simple taste palette)
• They serve pasta and rice meals.
• Food Presentation: Ordinary

My family are huge fans of pesto, but I was not able to try their pesto-based dish. But it smells good. Maybe I'll try it some other time.

In lieu of a father and a brother, I have 8 [boy]friends instead

I honestly do not know how someone who likes make up, girly things, who "becky-speak" can be called one of the boys and literally be treated like one.

The night after my dad was buried, I was dropping off my nephew at his house, car on hazard lights, when 10 minutes later, this tricycle driver coming from nowhere at nine o'clock at night, drunk, went on full stop, almost smashing himself behind the lamp post at the back of the car, near where I was tentatively parked. He then challenged me to get out and made a huge scene about the positioning of my parking. My sister, got out of the car and to settle whatever misunderstanding since no one died, no one crashed, this drunk, ass-of-a-man was just scared out of his skull that he thought he was almost killed.

He actually asked my sister if it was her husband who's driving. Her husband?! He had been screaming his guts at me for a good whole 5 minutes at my window ( I did not get out of the car)  and did not know even recognize that all along, he's been shouting at a FEMALE. When he learned that I am a female driver, he mellowed down and everything was settled. I thought it was such a complete waste of energy. I just said my scripted sorry because 1) Don't bother because he was obviously drunk, 2) Anger is a useless emotion 3) Never argue with an idiot because he will surely drag me down and beat me with experience.

I still drove all the way home, semi-shaken, because I'm thinking how it would be like had it been my father who's driving. My father's been driving for 35 years with professional driver's license, and his license was never ever confiscated. I don't know how he settled whatever mishap he went through whenever we're in Manila, because I've always been aware that I got my temper from him.

Now, out of necessity, I really have to clean up my act when driving. My dad's not around to drive for me anymore and I do not have a brother to ask if he can play chauffeur for me. It would've been easy if I'm driving an automatic car, but no, my Dad prefers stick shift, so I always have to be attentive to the car's engine.

Today, my friend from grad school BBM'd me out of nowhere:

BBM screencap with permission

 I just remembered you, I'm thinking, you still have a "guy" in your life in the presence of your guy friends even though your dad is no longer here.

 

 My 8 [boy] friends Rogus, Ellis, Jim, Yay, Poch, Jan, Dodi and Marco (photo shown at the photo booth print out)

I've been friends with these guys since high school, and they were my welcome bandwagon when I went home two years ago. They were with me the first time I shed a tear from my broken heart, when I just want someone to hang out with, when I didn't have any female friends yet in graduate school, they went medicine hunting with me on a good Friday night when my Dad needs medicine that can't be bought at  the country's main drugstore, and they were full support from the moment my Dad was first transferred to the resurrection chapel and finally to his grave at the memorial park where he was finally laid to rest.

I don't know how I have learned to decode their inside-male-only jokes that I paid for the price of being one of the boys that they pick on me like a little sister. I don't mind, I don't have a brother, so these silly bickering and banters were actually the highlight of my days.

 

Photoboth experience with these guys always seem like a death defying experience. It was so much fun and undeniably noisy that people near the booth at the parties where we went to, stop by and watch us make fun of each other in front of the camera. 

Then we all get out of the booth, laughing and all sweaty.

When we get visitors at the hospital, my mom would introduce my guy friends to her guests as her "sons" a.k.a. Kristine's friends. So in lieu of a father and a brother, I am thankful and blessed that I have 8 wonderful [boy] friends, who, as per Rogus' exact words: "We go as a Team!" 

Tuesday Thoughts: What my father's death taught me

Tatay (My Dad) turned 61 on a Tuesday. Two weeks later, again on a Tuesday, I rushed him to the hospital. When we needed to transfer him to the hospital in the city, his last night was on a Tuesday. When he was advised to be “home-cared”, his last night in the hospital was on a Tuesday. And finally, after 25 days of staying at home, on a Tuesday afternoon, he finally rested in peace.

My prayers have evolved from:

1.      Please do not take him away from us yet.

2.      Please give us a chance to take care of him.

3.      Dear Lord, your will be done. We trust in you.

And all of them were granted.

Two years ago, I don’t know what made me move back home. I have a life, my own apartment, a career and total freedom in the city. At 25, I have owned my life and call all the shots in my life and declared independence. Two years ago,  I moved back home and surrendered under parental guidance. It was not easy having to go by the rules of my parents after living on my own for 10 years.

When I moved back home, he told me “ You left when you were 16, now at 26 you’re back. You were gone for 10 years. I counted.” That was all he said. He never brought up why I moved back home, nor had an impression that I failed in whatever career  I was pursuing that time. He was happy I pursued graduate school, even if he knows that I only took it only out of a whim, because I don’t know yet what I want to do. It was his idea that I take up Development Communication, so it was a lot of adjustment because it’s social science and I have “Arts” as grounding.

He looks happy when I take my had out to ask for allowance (something that it took me a whole lot of pride to swallow). He supports my projects, whether it’s promoting reading habits for children, or driving me and my friends on Saturdays  for our class in College of Public Affairs. He even lets me drive the car for short distances drive, like when I have my zumba class every afternoon. If he needs the car, he drives and picked me up from UP’s country club. I was 28, but felt like 18.

It’s overwhelming and nice to know that I don’t really know my father that well. We’ve had random encounter with strangers telling us how my Tatay saved their lives, when they had a stroke, a heart attack, hypertension, when they encountered a blast. My Dad was with me when we also rushed my friend in grad school to the hospital when she had an emergency cyst operation.

I remember how we were having Sunday brunch years ago at McDonald’s and he suddenly stood up. I thought he walked out  but he rushed to the counter because he saw a mentally-challenged beggar asking for food at the cashier’s counter. He paid for the the beggar’s meal, (of course he never got a thank you) and went back to our table like nothing happened. Like it was the most natural thing to do.

Four months ago, I was contemplating and asking my self what made me move back home.  I am not exactly a Daddy’s girl and God knows how much arguments, clash we’ve had trying to meet our points. I’ve had my own personal resentment towards him but when you see your father in his deathbed, all my resentments were gone and sometimes you even negotiate with God that you’re willing for forgive and forget everything just to have his normal self back. When I rushed him to the hospital, I was able to tell him at the Emergency Room that we love him, while he was still conscious. And the first hour he fell into a coma, I told him what I wanted to tell him, and before I know it, I emptied out a box of tissue. With this memory that I have, he taught me how to forgive.

He was very patient in waiting, from the slumber parties my sister and I attended, from taking me to Manila when I did not know how to commute, and time when he waited patiently waited for us during our doctor’s appointment. On his deathbed, he waited til I was able to finally register the car for this year and he waited til my sister came home from her 10 day trip in Batanes. I asked if he can wait til I get my Master’s degree because I will take my compre exam this semester but I know that’s asking for too much. I was planning on working on my thesis last summer but went out of focus because of his medical condition. He decided to leave before school starts, because if he leaves mid semester, I will, for sure, be out of focus again.

My Dad made me do some of the things that I don’t want to do:

·        I  do not want to rush someone to the hospital, especially a family member , because I have rusty driving skills. – Before I know it, I already rushed him to the hospital on the day he fell into a coma.

·        I don’t like waking up too early in the morning . – I  used to wake up very slowly at 6:30 am, now I can wake up at 5:30am to feed the dogs without qualms.

·        I don’t like cleaning after our dogs poop. Because they tend to jump on me and I get paw prints all over. – Before I know it, I am already cleaning and feeding our dogs and have incorporated it in my system.

·        I don’t want to see him take his last breath. Because it would always be my last memory of him. – Last Tuesday, I went to Robinson’s to get rechargeable batteries for his oxymeter so that we don’t have to keep on buying. The sales attendant that I spoke with was not there, so the process of me getting the pre-ordered batteries took some time. When I finally got it, I contemplated on whether I should go to my friend Lyle’s house for a quick hello, or go to the church infront  of Robinson’s mall for a quick prayer. I decided to light up a purple candle and breathe a scripted prayer to God and took the jeepney. During those time, I don’t know what to pray for anymore. And on my way home, I get a text and several missed calls asking me to go home immediately. And there, my father lay, all pale and thin, not struggling for his last breath. His oxymeter says his oxygen is 54, the lowest I’ve seen. I held his hand and told him that I finally have the batteries for his oxymeter. I saw how his oxymeter fell from 54-47-41-37. I stopped looking at the oxymeter on his finger and kissed his forehead. Then there were two dashes, indicating he is gone.

I know how people realize how important and good a person is when they’re gone. I am lucky that at least for two years, I have gotten to know and spend time with my father, up to the last minute that he was alive. I am just glad that he held on for two months and three days to prepare us emotionally. And I know, even when he is gone, he is still with me. Sometimes, literally. Like I was looking for his birth certificate and camisa de chino (which is not exactly a fun thing to do), I don’t know the contents of his closet so I asked him if he can show it to me because I am running after a schedule and whithin 30 seconds  he showed it to me. He made it convenient for me. First night he was laid to rest, I swear I heard his breathing, exactly the one that I usually hear when it was my duty look after him. He is still the same father that likes to play tricks on his family, because he squeezed Aprille’s feet while she was sleeping, the exact same way Aprille did to him when he was lying in bed to see any response from him.

Now I know why I went home two years ago and I am thankful why sometimes you can’t argue with the force of the universe to shake you to the core. Not only this entire experience is humbling, it is empowering as well. You know when you experience this massive amount of support, blessing and help, you can’t help but have this so much passion to help out, not only give back but pay forward, several times over.

Braving the crater of Mt. Pinatubo

I was looking through the folders of my sister's computer when I found pictures of my adventures with my cousins two years ago:

April 2010, we went trekking to Mt. Pinatubo with my sister and cousins. My sister booked Pinaykeypoint Organizers to assist us in this trip:

The meet up:

We took the short cut and did not trek all the way up:

We these friendly locals. I looked like a senator in this photo:

I made it to the crater of Mt. Pinatubo!!!

These are random photos of me in all my trying-hard-to-be-adventurous glory!

What it feels like to be in the crater lake:

• The air/atmosphere is so HOT!
• The water is so COLD!
• There are toilets in the main area but not on the actual side of the crater.

We rode this awesome 4x4 jeep to and from the base camp:

Video of our screamfest haha!

Tips:

• We got the package where we paid Php 2500/pax (I think. That's what I remember). Minimum of 4 persons per group.
• You get to choose your trail. We got the shortest one. 
• They provide everything. When I say everything I mean meals, ride (4x4), tent, floaties, home cooked and warm food, umbrella. 
• They even carry your hiking bag for you. In my case, I was in my most unhealthy state and lifestyle when I made this trip, so I almost made the Kuya lift me up and take me to the crater because I am so afraid to pass out while trekking.
• When we finally reached the base camp from Mt. Pinatubo, we got accommodations from the the Korean spa to take a bath and a meal was prepared for us before we went home. 

The USB Digital Voice Recorder Showdown

When I started my new job last year, I was required to take down notes during meetings and the hardest part of transcribing is when you have a crappy voice recorder.

Last year, I was amazed at Faye's USB Digital Voice Recorder that can clearly pick up conversations from round table discussions and the best thing about it is you charge this little cutie via your computer's USB port! 

Then one day, she gave me her other USB Digital Voice recorder after I told her how crappy "recording from cellphone" is:

Sorry for the crappy photo, this was taken using my camera phone

She gave this to me because she couldn't really understand how it works and it's not really user-friendly unlike her pink recorder. So when she gave it to me, I worked my way around it and it definitely made my life easier because it serves as storage device and the recordings are saved in mp3 files immediately.

But being the "kikay" that I am, I wanted to get one in pink. So for a few months, I was in search for the perfect "pink USB Digital Voice Recorder" just in case my black one breaks. I am not really comfortable with the brand of CDR King so I made sure to get one that is branded.

Last sem, during my graduate school class, I saw my classmates USB/MP3 player which he charged using his laptop. I asked if it can record conversations/lectures as well and it does. So I googled the product and set my mind to get the one in pink:

So here are my two digital recorders that I use both for work and interviews:

Black: CDR-King's USB Digital Voice Recorder and Philips Go Mix MP3/Recorder

I love how this is just a little bigger than the USB device that I carry around and almost the same size of lipstick

I remember at the hospital, I have unintentionally offended my Dad's neuro-surgeon because he saw me recording his explanation about my Dad's brain stem stroke. Of course I apologized and explained to him that the reason I was recording his explanation is because of all the hospital jargons that he's been using and we can hardly keep up. I was actually afraid he's going to charge us more because he said he felt violated and I did admit and said sorry that I did not ask permission to record his medical explanation. I stopped the recording and he really did check if I really erased the file (which I did).

After a few months of testing, recording and comparing the performance here are some realizations about this product comparison:

[Black] CDR King USB Digital Voice Recorder (1G):
Picks up voice/sounds/conversations easily and clearly.
Has a mini speaker for playback.
No port for earphones (2.5mm plug)
No screen for guide, so if you lost the little manual that it came with you would have a hard time trying to figure out how it works.

[Pink] Philips Go Mix MP3 Player/Voice Recorder (2G):
Picks up voice/sounds/conversations easily and clearly.
Cute packaging
It's an Mp3 player as well and it came with earphones
User-friendly

Tips and Review:

• Philips looks cute compared to the Black CDR King "I-mean-business" type.
• CDR King picks up better/clearer audio/voice recording compared to the Philips voice recorder.
• Both uses USB ports to charge.
• CDR King charges fast compared to Philips (maybe because Philips has a bigger memory?).
• Both lasts more than 4 hours of continuous recording (but I have not tested it out just how far it can go. Their manual says more than 10 hrs? ).
• Philips USB Digital Voice Recorder is available at SM Appliance Center (2G sells for Php 2,190.00 while the 4G sells for Php 2,450.00. Better to get the 4G. I was not able to get the 4G because it's no longer available).
• The CDR King USB Digital voice recorder has been discontinued.(Deym!) 

Lesson I learned:
Don't judge by the brand/label. Even though I love my pink Philips recorder, the audio pick up of the black CD R-King brand is better, clearer, louder. :)

Tuesday Thoughts: On Bouncing Back

Through the years I have grown to understand others and try to see it in their point of view. Maybe that's the reason why some friends of mine find it quite "odd" how I was able to look at things in a different way, even if it does not benefit me.

And through the years, I have grown to choose the battles that I will only let my self to get down and dirty with. And I've grown to realize and accept that there are relationships (friendship and romantic) that are worth keeping and "explaining" for, others I just let it slide and no longer provide any explanation and just move on. Why? It's just not worth the energy.

When it is right, it's easy to make a decision.

This is why the "Call me maybe" girls are wearing Balenciaga in the video

Remember when this video went viral last week:

David Milan tweeted:

This is why:

Image Source

Image Source

 Although the video got it's own share of bashing for lacking of originality because of this:

( This video featured Selena Gomez, Ashley Tisdale and Justin Bieber) 

The cute song got stuck in my head that it's been my ringtone since last week. So sorry friends for taking sometime in answering the call. :)