It has been quite a few weeks when I received something in the mail about a guy friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He was asking how did I recover from a break up. Like I’m the expert.
But really, not long ago I experienced what seems to be the most painful break up of my life. Of course, the first one that I had hurt so badly but this one is different. I’ve had boyfriends in the past but this one has shaken me to the core. I really don’t know if it comes with age, but I think the younger you are, the more strength you have to take on these emotional things but as you get older, heartbreaks gets the best of you.
Heart breaks make or break you. It’s always either you get stronger and cynical, or you remain hopeful but inevitably stupid but hey, there really is no formula how to get over a break up. Like the cliché it has always been different strokes for different folks.
As I have mentioned earlier, not long ago I got my heart broken and it did hurt so bad. So bad that I had to move heaven and earth to change my life. I know it is expensive to overhaul your life every time your heart gets broken, I mean not everyone can take a chance and afford to travel to three countries like Liz Gilbert did in her personal memoir, Eat, Pray, Love or change apartments like what I did with mine. But I have come up with do-able baby steps to get your butt moving and from leaving that pint of ice cream alone and get moving.
So,M- This post is dedicated to you.
Okay, here we are. After the usual stage of crying your eyes out, staring at the ceiling, being in denial and getting drunk, at the end of the day you literally have to do something.
Change at least something.
Do not do something drastic like shaving your head or cutting your hair. There’s 50% chance that you’re going to regret that later.
Change at least something, even as simple as changing your routine in getting to work and going home. Explore a new route, enroll in a class, take up a sport, whatever it is, change something and stick to it for the meantime. In my case, I only live 5 minutes away from my office building but I stayed with a friend for a week and took an hour commute just for the sake of changing things.
Replicate/Substitute your daily lovers’ routine.
Keeping yourself busy is really a cliché, but it works, but I really am tired of hearing it from people. You cannot just get busy when you feel like your world has just been torn apart and sometimes it just makes you stare off to space. In my case, certain hours of the day needs to be replicated. For example, if every 2 in the afternoon you get to spend time together, create a new habit for 21 days straight ( I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to create a new habit) and put it in there. Make sure you are doing something new (the more physically exhausting, the better) and before you know it, your old lovers’ routine has been replicated.
Avoid Silence and failed relationship over analysis.
Being alone in silence – unless you’re too drunk- makes you think and go over things one more time. Create a playlist of your broken hearted phase. In my case I created a playlist in my ipod about songs about breaking up but not wanting to get back with him. I got busy with iTunes and searching for different songs on the internet and it did help me and the whole Best Breakup songs playlist was on repeat mode in my iPod for several weeks.
When tempted to think about the failed relationship, do something physical such as taking out the garbage, doing your laundry, arranging your CDs, surf the internet, arrange your shoes and closet, fix your laptop or whatever. Replicate it with something that you can do with your hands just so you can temporarily take the things off your mind for a little bit (because chances are, you’ll be doing the thinking again and every little bit of distraction from thinking about the break up counts).
Make sure to be with friends( with patience as good as a saint).
Make sure to have at least two trusted friends who know your story and have seen you while you were in your relationship. They are the best mirrors. Do not go around venting out at anyone familiar you know because chances you are, you tend to leave out some parts of the story and in reality, even if we are deeply in denial as of the moment, we just know want an affirmation from somebody else.
Do not talk to his/her friends about your relationship. It’s like asking your opponent how to beat them at something. They will not rat out on their friends either. Sure, they will be polite and side with you on certain points, but trust me. They do not want to get involved in you and your ex’s business.
Be careful with whose advice you buy, like Baz Luhrmann’s Sunscreen song. Avoid negative people because the last thing you need is to be surrounded by miserable people who loves company. Surround yourself with positive people because like negative people, they can affect and influence you too and it’s better to be influenced by positive people because the last thing you need is a negativity amplifier.
Set an internal deadline for how long you want to sulk and rant. Do not abuse your friends’ patience and take advantage of their listening ears. At the end of the day, it is your own personal battle and not theirs. Bottom line is, you have to help yourself because if not, nobody can.
Set a goal to make a number of friends but do not find a rebound.
When we are in a relationship for so long, we tend to really live in that comfort zone that we do not care anymore about making new friends. Keep in mind that this new phase, your goal is to make new friends and not find a rebound. (Try really hard not to, even when it is tempting.) If you’ve gotten off a 12 year relationship, please do not jump the gun and marry the next thing that moves. Please give enough time to get to know the person because if you don’t, it’ll be unfair for that person to pay for your hang ups. And you’ll regret later (even if you don’t admit or secretly admit it) you will tell yourself that you should have waited.
If you’re not the friendly type, try talking to strangers. It can be very liberating for the introverts. You don’t have to be really shy about it because they don’t know you anyway. It can be as simple as asking for directions (even if you already know) or asking for a recommendation from a waiter/waitress at a restaurant while looking for something to order. Two words: Small talk.
Finally Stop Counting.
Do not count and take note in your personal calendar how long will it take you to get over, because as long as you keep counting, subconsciously you are still thinking about your ex and how hurt you are. It’s like taking care of a wound and preserving it.
Whether you like it or not, you will move on. The process of who moves on first depends on your choice of how fast you can accept and let go. I used to really keep on tracking the days that I am thinking about my ex and it seemed to prolong the so-called getting over phase, but when I finally surrendered, I got over fast before I even know and realize it.
Before I end this post, I would like to share something my cousin and I talked about when it comes to taking a stand and letting go of someone whom we crazily love but is bad for us. I asked how come she can make such strong decisions about letting go and I wanted to become like her as well. I asked how she did it. She shared:
“It’s not about being strong, it’s about finally reaching a point in your life that you know deep down that you’ve had enough and that alone will give you the jolt that you need to let go and move on.”
