Project FEETrail [December 2012]: 2012 is not for the faint hearted.

I've completed my Project Feet Trail Project that I started early this year. I just didn't think that I would be ending it in this picture.

Here's my project photo during the holidays. This holiday we:

• Did not have any Christmas tree or any Christmas decorations in the house. Just the old, year-long Christmas wreath hanging at the door, the same way Dad saw it the last time he was here.
• Braved driving in the wee hours and late at night. 
• Camped in a cemetery in lieu of going to Halloween parties - which will be the start of our new tradition.
• Opened the gates of a closed cemetery, few days before Christmas  just so we can visit Dad. I used to be scared of the eerie aura of the cemetery but now I really don't care.

Last year I asked for the Top 5 intagible things that I wanted for Christmas, and you know what? It all came true. I guess that's the benefit of having a blog, you can always archive your musings or whatever  it is that you jot down and see if it made sense a year later. This year, I was asked what I wanted this Christmas. I was not able to respond, because I had a wish in mind and it was to turn back time, but I know it is impossible.

I've always been a little scared of all these stuff about the end of the world, when December 21 came, I was on my toes. But then, my father's death kicked the butts of all the End of the world hype. I started looking fear in the eye, telling it to screw it. I'm not very good at it, but heck, I'm doing it.

This year have broken me down, but in exchange, I got a whole new spirit. I believed in miracles because I am one. I am very, very grateful. Even though Dad is no longer with us, and as the eldest, I have to act fast and take the first step to accept that Christmas will never be the same, I know he will always have my back and he is always watching over us.

The year 2012 is not for the fain hearted but my spirit remain optimistic for 2013.

Project FEETrail [November 2012]: The Sand, The Sea and the Sisters

It's our first time to travel together...just the two of us. Most of our trips were with family, relatives and cousins. I'm thankful we had this opportunity to bond. We got really cheap tickets that we booked as early as February this year. We had cheap accommodations that we booked just less than 30 days from our trip. People are surprised that we are sisters, they probably were guessing that we're cousins or relatives. Who can blame them? She's fair-skinned and I'm chocolate brown caramel skinned! Haha! I think at one point or another, we've been compared by those people outside the family. It worked to my advantage. :)

My sister is The Aprille Araguas Designs, and I'll always be very proud of her and I'll always make sure she got my back. I love you bunso!

It was supposed to be an out-of-the-country trip for just the two of us, but the very nice weather in Boracay made up for it.

Thank you Dear Lord.

Project FEETrail [October 2012]: Ipanema on Confetti-ed Red Carpet

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid but I still chose to wear my bridesmaid shoes.

In the middle of the wedding, my feet hurt from too much walking around the church, running and taking photos, capturing moments and finally I just decided to ask the driver to take me back to the hotel so I can change into my trusty Ipanema rubber sandals.

I think I can almost hear my toes breathe a prayer of thanks for changing footwear.

Project FEETrail [September 2012]: Barefoot on carpets

I have this "thing" for "whatever feels good on my feet" that's why I, until now, I sleep with a special pillow with my feet on it. When I was young, I sleep with the mosquito net under my feet. I love anything that feels good and ticklish on my feet. Carpets are no exception.

This was taken when I was left all alone in the auditorium before the Rappler event that we participated weeks ago.

I was feeling sick this day and I decided to take my shoes off and walk barefoot in the auditorium.

Oh yes. I do embarrassing things when I'm alone and no, I did not do the Oppa Gangnam Style.

Project FEETrail [August 2012]: Flip-flops, Flats and Most Significant Change

"Based from Rick Davies and Jess Dart’s Monitoring and Evaluation Technique that we took up in class, what can you say is the Most Significant Change that happened to you?" One of my panel adviser and a well-respected professor in Development Management asked. 

I nearly choked. There is no way that I am going to let my voice crack. There is no way that I am going to allow what happened to me two years ago.

July 2010 – I was asked in class my opinion about “Quitting your job takes a lot of guts”. I had just recently resigned and moved back home and slowly realizing what Quarter-life crisis is when that question was thrown at me and I was caught off guard. In front of the whole class and I didn’t have any friends back then.

I nearly choked. My voice cracked and my professor got alarmed she must have thought I will start to cry. I was heartbroken when I left the city. Yes, I did quit the job that I am literally dragging my self into but at the same time, my applications to a different industry, the one that I really wanted ever since, was taking it’s sweet time in getting back to me. Then there was Graduate School who welcomed me with open arms.

So I moved back to UPLB. Two months after I was enrolled, the job called and wanted me to go back to the city for an interview. I can remember my self sitting in front of White Hat Frozen Yogurt stand in Alabang Town Center with my parents infront of me. I had to make a decision right then and there.

If I go to the interview and get qualified, I will leave Graduate School Pronto.

If I don’t, I will just have to patiently wait for life to unfold it’s purpose how it managed to pull me into moving me back home.

I am never comfortable with uncertainties and I always have this default fear of the future. But somehow, at that moment, I just went with my gut feel.

“I’m sorry but I will have to pass because I enrolled my self full time in UP Graduate School.”

“Okay, we will just have to put you in our reserved list just in case you decide to re-apply in the future.”

“Thank you very much, sir”

I hung up the phone and told my parents: “This whole graduate school better be worth it.”

And you know what? It was.

Because if I went for the job, I wouldn’t have the chance to met such good people, discover my self, get a better understanding, learn to forgive, be patient and be accepting. I did learn to be objective even if things will not go for my favor, learn to see things from different lenses. I felt my brain literally expanded. That’s why I always say I owe so much to Development Communication, not just because of the actual classes, but it’s the people and experience that I met when I decided to take up the degree.

And if I took that job, then I wouldn’t have the chance to spend the remaining last 2 years of my father’s life with him.

So just to give a simple and short answer what was the Most Significant Change that happened in my life? I learned to live my realities and faced my fears. I honestly learned and felt and appreciate what it feels like to be grounded.   (Of course, that’s not the answer that I gave to my professor, but it’s something along those lines.) 

I got a pedicure 3 days before my final graduate school presentation because I am all set to take my Oral Graduate Comprehensive Exam and propose my MS Thesis to my committee, in my peep-toe, nude-colored, high heeled wedge shoes that will definitely, psychologically level up my confidence that I badly  needed for that day.

I've always believed in the power of stilettos and high heeled shoes and I am actually proud that I can run in them. It gives women such power that when they strut, they can take anything the world can throw at them. But as I was headed out to the door at 6 in the morning, I changed my mind and wore my cheap ballet flats instead. 

I just feel that it made me feel closer to the ground.

P.S.

Sorry I just couldn't help but post this tweet from my friend. I passed the exam on the day of his 26th Birthday! :)

Thank you Frankie J.! 

Project FEETrail [July 2012]: Wedding Planning with my sturdy crocs and Zebra-print eco-bag

This is it! Kuya Stew is getting married! 

When we went to Kalinga to check the place out for an inter-cultural wedding, we were told by the weather officials that it's signal 1 for typhoon in Kalinga Apayao, where we are headed.  We've been getting text messages from our friends to take extra care because it's raining real hard in Manila and Laguna. I was even BBM-ing my friends to keep them in the loop! (Yes, I am La reine de photo sharing! ) but we got off the bus to a very nice and warm weather!

Thank you Lord! :)

Three months from now we'll be attending an inter-cultural wedding reception here. Kuya loves the place, he calls it "shabby chic".  This moment deserves to be in my FEETrail project because this is the location of my cousin's wedding reception...and it's literally on top of the mountain! I know it's not something new to me because I live in Los Baños where mountains and hills are common given that it's a science and nature city, the feeling of looking at the mountains from where I am standing is something else.  Too bad the photos don't do much justice. 

Project FEETrail [June 2012]: My shoes, Dad's shoes

June.

What seemed to be the wedding month turned out to be the final month of my father.

I wrote before that he died on a Tuesday and what it felt like prior to father's day. Sticking to my Project FEETrail for this year I just have to have to include this and commemorate the time that I have finally faced one of my greatest fears since I was a child. 

(L-R: Watching over my Dad during the first hour that he was in the resurrection chapel; My feet during one of the nights of the wake)

(L-R: Early morning of the 9th day since my Dad died;  During Father's day, wearing the last footwear that he purchased for himself last post-Christmas)

You know those things that people say about when someone is gone, it appears they are still here? It’s true.

I never felt being a Daddy’s girl when he was still alive, but I felt it when he was gone. (Or maybe I am just claiming it because my Dad probably thinks that I need better guidance compared to my sister).

But, consistently, my father seems to be the master of timing and with that it appears that it’s one of the many traits that I probably got from him. I cannot enumerate how many “right place at right time” moments that I’ve had since he was gone. From getting me convenient parking spaces easily to making me run into some people he know. It’s like he and God area working hand in hand in making sure to put the proper people when I am going to need them. When he was still in the hospital, a family friend told me that even if my Dad will go, he will provide. I think he does until now.

Last Monday, I was having coffee and desserts with my friend at a cafe when the song “Leader of the Band” played on the studio’s speakers and it went like this:

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

My friend was telling me such a giddy love story and I concentrated hard on what she’s saying until tears just suddenly fell out of nowhere, I had to get a tissue. 

I remember listening to that song at the back of the car when my Dad was still alive and was still driving the car. I remember being a kid, enjoying the cool airconditioning at the back seat. Sundays are always Dad’s turn to hog the radio station. We always listen to Never on Sundays program and grew up listening to ABBA music. My sister even sang Chiquitita to him when he was still in ICU and  he shed a tear listening to her singing. I am almost tempted to request to the management to change the music but I do not want to do some further explaining so I just sat through it. It’s the missing part that sucks big time.

I know that we are going to adjust our small family traditions, Christmas and New Year will never be the same and Aprille and I have already split our Dad’s old daddy duties. Sometimes, I still can’t believe that I have already lost a father. I cannot believe that it was just that fast, 2 months and a few days. And he was still true to his word, because a family friend visited him in ICU and we were told that the week before he had a stroke and fell into a coma, Dad was telling him that if he is going to be ill, he will not be a burden to his family. But he granted our request to take care of him, at least for the last 25 days of his life. He forced me to see and watch him take his last breath even though he knows that I don’t want to, because he knows that this experience will strenghten my heart, just like how his heart fought back to live for 57 more days when the doctors have expected him only to last for only a week.

Yesterday, during my 15-minute break at the office, just out of a gut feel, I found my self driving to the nearby gas station to put some air to the spare tire from last week’s tire mishap. Suddenly out of nowhere, a family friend saw me driving and followed me to the gas station thinking I might need help and guided me through the whole process of putting the right amount of air into the spare tire. He told me that he had spoken to my father the last time he had the car checked and dad told him to wait for him because he will be back and they will go fishing together. He said that he was not expecting that my Dad would go to some place else and then gave me a little lecture that I should not just know how to drive but I should get to know and learn things about the car as well.  He then told me to be strong, not to worry and get his number in case I have car trouble again. I did and I thanked him for checking up on me before driving back to the office.

Time may heal all wounds, and through time I know that we will be able to adjust, but I was told by a friend who went through the same situation, that though time will help us adjust, one can never really get over the death of his/her father.

Project FEETrail [May 2012]: In between dried leaves + concrete walkway

"But - but the greatest way to witness is by walking that straight and narrow and also realizing that you're going to mess up. That's what grace is for. We're going to fall, but we've got to get back up. And you've got to improve. And that's what I'm all about."

Tim Tebow

In attempt to get back up and go on with my life from what happened last month, I stood at the edge of the concrete and in between cement and the soft soil covered with dried leaves. I could be safe and secure with the concrete cement that I am standing on or check how soft and what’s underneath the covered dried leaves.

Nothing special happened the day this photo was taken. It was just some random day at work where I attended a training and then walked back to my office building. There was nothing special that day, except that I got a call from one of my guy friends offering help in getting the car’s registration renewed and the next thing I knew we already made plans to hit the city in a few days to visit a friend who gave birth and that started the constant “calls to hang out”.

It started the “this is not so bad after all” phase. 

As I have realized that the plans that I have for my self are merely suggestions to the Universe (God) and waiting for His stamp of approval,  I am surrendering my self in the backseat and let Him take the wheel. 

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Project FEETrail [April 2012]: Flip Flops & Hospitals

It didn’t take long for me to decide what would be the shot of my personal project of capturing my footsteps each month. I do not have to wait for the month to be over for me to decide. The month of April was supposed to be a good start, but on the 3rd day and on a Holy Tuesday, I woke up very early in the morning having to rush my Dad to the hospital.

It is one of the scariest point in my life, something that I’ve been telling my friends about, that I do not want to be woken up by the voice of my mom telling me that I have to rush my Dad to the hospital. What is supposed to be 15 minutes of driving, I was able to make it in less than 7 minutes. For someone who can’t park for shit, I can finally say that I have driven the most important drive of my life: Rushing my Tatay to the hospital.

No, this post isn’t about the experience... yet.  We haven’t gone through the survival stage yet, but I was able to capture what my feet looked like for the past two weeks because it was such a roller coaster of emotions. To experience something that you’ve been scared of your whole life. I tweeted before, that with this memory that I have, I never really believed in forgive and forget until I reached this time that I am willing to forgive and even more than willing to forget.

Left: ICU Visitor's Area at LBDH; Right - Squatting at PGH's 2nd Floor CENICU Entrance

These two photos reminded me how I am feeling at the edge, cliff hanger, waiting for an improvement. To this day, my Dad is in the ICU for turning three weeks now, Glascow Coma Scale of 3 (which is the lowest) and he suffered a very bad stroke. For a writer, I am having difficulty trying to put it in words about how this pain feels. This is so painful that I cannot even wish this for my worst enemy.

I could be doubting my faith right now but on the contrary, I felt closer to God while walking along the streets trying to come up with resources, walking and feeling like a zombie. For someone who is obsessed about organizers and loves planning things, events, life, I had to throw everything up in the air and realize I am not the boss. For the first time in my life, I finally have the grasp of what it is like to let go and let God.

And the things that you hear from people who's been through this similar phase is true. I am treasuring this experience because not only I am gaining so much wisdom and realization, just as what my friend Joy's older sister, Ate Mia said, this is empowering as well. I know that I will understand everything in the future because, they say life is meant to be understood backwards. I just wish it isn't this painful. But I am here now.

I hated hospitals but I lived there for a week, waking up at 4 in the morning during sunrise, looking through the window of ICU hoping to learn new improvement for the day. I sleep at 12 midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of improvement, that he may finally respond to pain, but none. For someone who loves the feeling of fresh, crisp bedsheet, it didn’t take me long to finally adopt to sleeping on waiting chairs, camping outside the ICU room and lacking some decent sleep. For someone who had to make peace with her hair everyday, it didn’t take long for me to roughen things up and  put it in a lousy pony tail. For someone who is seeing a dermatologist, it didn’t take long for me to quit whatever beauty regimen I have and deal with an oily face.  I’ve been sleeping with oily skin and stressed out face and I just don't care.

I just want to be awake when Tatay finally wakes up. 

Project FEETrail [March 2012]: Pink Ballet Flats + Yellow Stage Lights

I took this photo on the 3rd of March this year and figured out that this will be my photo for March. I was sitting on the floor and the stage lights keeps on hitting me where I was seated so this inspired my photo for March.

Pink Ballet Flats + Yellow Lights

It's not everyday that I get to (really) officially cover an event and be the sole official photographer. This was during the college centennial celebration concert and I was dripping with sweat trying to get a really good picture of every performer on stage. This coverage makes me miss acting on stage and performing in DL Umali hall, but I've always wanted to be behind the camera and behind the scenes.

But I was not able to stay til the end because I have a presentation the very next day. But this was one of the moments that I can (finally) say that *happy sigh* I like *emphasis on like* my job.

Project FEETrail [Feb 2012]: Muddy Crocs + Filthy Havs

For my February 2012 FEETrail Project, my feet photo of the month:

My muddy crocs and his filthy havs. Crappy photos because I took this using my camera phone before the death-defying caterpillar ride at the local fair.

Though it was rainy and muddy, Kuya Stew and I went to UP Fair on a Friday to grab something to eat and to check the fuss. I thought it's going to be the last day of the week-long fair and since I will not go to Feb Fair on Valentine's day, I decided a re-sched is good to go.

Since it was his first time attending a University local fair, we had our photos taken at the photo booth (twice!), had Plato Wraps for dinner, walked around and checked out frat and sorority booths, checked the bazaar, rode the caterpillar and went to play darts and won a keychain. All in all we only spent Php290.00.

I had totally forgotten that I have this FEET Shot project until he reminded me on the same moment that his feet got stuck in the mud while trying to catch up with my walking. And because of that, the photo for this month goes to you!

And because today is The Leap Year, I am scheduling this post to be published TODAY!

Let's take a LEAP today! <3

Project FEETrail: Introduzione

My cousin told me why not blog about feet in the Philippines because he believes Filipinas have the best feet. ( My cousin's British).

I didn't realize I've been taking many feet shots until I finally tried to clean up my hard drive. I had forgotten to take feet shots when I was out of the country or in another place because I wasn't doing it on purpose. 

I don't have the best feet, but I like taking photos of where I am standing to remind my self of what "state" I am in and where I've been.

Here are some of the pics I've recovered ( I don't know where I saved the others): 

November 2008, Jupiter Street, Makati with my good friend Gino. Gino and I were lost somewhere in Makati and we're scheduled to meet our American clients for dinner. 

February 2009 - Feelin Boracay's powder-like sand with my cousin. My first time in Boracay and I  really don't want to go home after having been there. 

Team Chucks. (okay these are shoes but still...)  May 2009 at Crystal Beach Attic, San Narciso, Zambales. I was with Karen and her then beau and this is after we went surfing.